Last week we read in the first reading about Elijah praying for death because he could no longer go on his journey. How often have we in our own lives faced these types of situations? How many of us face these types of circumstances, and unlike Elijah, feel that we can control the outcome, we can overcome whatever obstacles we might face in our journey? Sure, we might pray, but do we pray with a total sense of abandonment like Elijah and rely on God to provide us with what we need.

For me, although I did not pray for death when I was diagnosed with epilepsy, I did not pour myself out to God at first like Elijah. You see, I thought I was in control. 

I was experiencing several symptoms such as auras, but never knew what they were. I even had one when I was reading the prayers of the faithful at the Ambo and I remember thinking how embarrassed I was because I just could not get the words out. 

Then sometime later I started having full blown grand mal seizures. I remember having my first one in the parking lot of my friend’s business and waking up to people on top of me and him in the middle of two other guys. I was so out of it that I thought we were in the middle of a fight, and I needed to get up and fight. All I thought about was that I had to get home to my wife and kids. The next thing I knew my wife was looking down at me, telling me to relax. Knowing that she was fine, I stopped fighting back. As it turned out, the people standing next to my friend were two other tenants, and the people on top of me were the paramedics.

Over the course of the next two or three years I would have about another 6-8 seizures, and I would reflect on what I had eaten or drank that could have caused these to take place. Please do not get me wrong, I did pray to God for help, but I really did not pray like Elijah with a sense of helplessness.

One day I was out for my walk, my kids were about 10 and 8 years old at the time and I just remember praying to God and saying, God this cross is too much for me to bear, I am handing it over to You. At that very moment, I felt like I was unburdened by my cross and a sense of relief came over me that I had never felt before. I also remember asking God for three things. These were not conditions that I had normally asked for, they were true heartfelt requests. First, God please let me see my kids grow up. Again, since they were only 10 and 8, there were so many more experiences as a parent that I wanted to be there for. I wanted to finish what I had started in being a father. I remember growing up and knowing that I wanted to get married and raise a family. I really did not want this taken away. Second, to walk my daughter down the aisle when she gets married. I just could not imagine somebody else having this honor. After all this is my little girl. Finally, I live long enough to see my grandkids. 

Ever since my prayer, my true and real conversation with God, just like the one Elijah had on his way to Horeb, I have not had one seizure. At once, I came to remember what Jesus taught us: “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you.”  Remember, praying to God is also having a conversation with God.

God bless,

John G. Napoli